I’ll man up and admit right here and now: I am a reality show junkie. I’ll give just about any reality show a go. At first Fox had the market cornered on trash-tastic voyeur TV, though one network has not only surpassed the title, but has practically reinvented itself as the network that is simultaneously trashy yet can’t miss. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about Video Hits 1, the network formally home to Michael Bolton videos and the softest rock VJs this side of a secretary’s office.
First there was Flavor of Love, Hogan Knows Best, Celebrity Fit Club and the Surreal Life. Last season brought us Monique in her bitchin’ bad babe show Charm School (a personal fave). But when I saw the previews for Brett Michael’s Bachelor rip opus “Rock of Love,” I vowed not to watch. No way was I going to watch the tow-headed wash-up re-live his glory days with a bunch of vapid, drunken, siliconed camera whores.
And then the British Open started. Golf invaded my normal day-sucker that is TNT. Gone are my repeats of Law and Order, Without a Trace, ER, and Judging Amy. Damn golf. And all I could find to watch was Rock of Love. And now, without further adieu, here are five reasons why Rock of Love is the most trashtastic, so bad it’s good reality show on TV right now.
1. The man has his own bouncer. Big John rules with a pair of iron firsts, breaking up catfights with one and doling out brewskies with the other. And the man isn’t just a bouncer. He offers up such sage advice as “Problems is like shit. We all got ’em, and they all stink.”
2. During a photoshoot in which Brett takes sexy pics of each contestant while moaning with each click, one contestant throws down and admits what the whole show is really about. She simply whips out her surgically enhanced rack, at which point she has ensured the receipt of a coveted “All Access Pass.”
3. The girl who gets sloppy drunk, thrown out by Big John only to be brought back, and attempts to start catfights with each and every contestant, is allowed to stay at the end of the episode. And Brett doesn’t beat around the bush or bullshit us like our favorite ABC Bachelors. “She hot, she’s sexy, and hell, she’s entertaining.” Anything for the ratings, eh?
4. When Brett asks contestant Jessica (who refers to herself as a “Jessica Simpson knockoff”) to talk about herself, she immediately begins addressing an invisible audience as if the star of her own busted beauty contest. When Brett finally interrupts to ask who she’s talking to, she simply giggles and produces sounds that I presume might have been words. Who can tell….
5. And when you can hear one girl call another a “skank slut whorebag” twice in one episode, you know you’ve hit reality show gold.
So thank you Brett Michaels, for helming the ship of reality so unabashedly trashy, so aware of its own ratings, that it doesn’t even pretend to be The Bachelor. It might as well be titled, “Brett Michaels: Who Still Wants to F*ck me?”